Avan

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Avan

Post  Vegeto on Thu Aug 05, 2010 3:50 pm

Avan was out practicing some moves. His father then said if he wanted to train. Avan then said he wanted to fight him. His father said the should train first. Avan then said he'll train and become stronger. His father said to get ready. The two flew of to a perfect training area. They then decided the plains. Ok Avan come at me with everything you got" said Avan's dad. Avan then powered up and attacked his father. Moving Avan could have been mistaking for blood and darkness thanks to his aura so he had an advantage at night. Avan punched his father in the stomach but before the punch reached him his father grabbed hit and throw him. Avan did a back flip and charged at his father attempting a kick. His father grabbed and Vegeto smiled and tried shooting a ki blast. His father recovered and powered up and attacked Avan. Avan was getting pummeled to a pupl. He managed to grab one of his father's attack and threw him he then felt angry and fired a ki blast. His father managed to stop it a little bit but got hit. Avan knew his father was going a liitle easy on him. Avan then yelled don't hold back. He then flew to his father and used a ki blast . His father grabed it and threw it back Avan got hurt badly. Avan then powered up and attacked his father.

They trained for several hours and eventually it got dark. Avan powered up and managed to stop the red streaks from flashing. He attacked his father silently. His father was now the one getting pummeled. His father managed to grab one of Avan's kick and threw him then fired a kamehameha. Avan recovered and got hit when he was up he fired a ki blast. The two fought for several hours. But Avan's father won. He said that was enough traing for today. They then headed home to have a rest.

Zeny: 150
PL: 40
Str:10
End:10
Spr:10
Agi:10

Word Count:333
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Re: Avan

Post  Aurzel on Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:23 pm

((you called your character vegeto at one point, your character also doesn't know how to use a ki blast yet
and one more thing this is your character's introduction post, it sounds much more like a training post, instead of writing about training and fighting you should concentrate more on introducing your character, describing him and what he's like and maybe a bit of his history))

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Re: Avan

Post  MeredithPunk on Fri Aug 06, 2010 7:39 am

You've improved from lastime, the only problem I have with this, is you use, and then avan, avan did this. Finally Avan, avan was such and such.
You use Avan too much, try to refer to him as "He," and name other characters by their full titles, I know this can be confusing, if you have a tight packed battle scene, and puches a being thrown, especially with them being men, "He" can be confusing. But take my advice, not always, but sometimes call your character "He" and the other characters by their full names.

I also believe that a thesaurus may help you, you should be able to download on of the internet, if not having a book version. All this is, that it's like a book (Or computer program) that has multiple meanings for other words, rather than using the words, "He hit with vengence," then "He hit again, hitting rapidly," try and change words, to avoid repetivness, "He hit with vengence, then with rapid prepulsion, he struck again, his attacks were landing their marks, he fired limbs furiously, trying to cuff the experienced fighter..." like that.

Just in general know, keep improving on your battle scenes, for big blows like the Kamehameha, make sure you make a nice long in depth firing bit. Dont just have, "He launched the kamehameha," thats too short, basically just describing what he did, we want to say what he did and how he did it, where did he fire it, was the beam bright? if so what did it reflect onto, what are the characters reactions? Work on these try to answer every question possible, as for fast combat work in small waves like, go hard and fast then have a break and goto normal, lemme demonstrate,

Fast, rapid:
"Avan raced in advancing to his father, he rammed his fist down, landed a strong hit. To which his father replied with a left hook, Avan blocked successfuly although it was testing his reflexes, another couple of hooks and jabs and the two men were separated, huffing up and down in exhaustion,"

Slow, steady:
"Avan huffed, making his way back into battle, now the men were tires, their swings sloppy, Avan made a slow punch directed at his fathers face, although just escaping his father managed to raise his hand in time, catching the punch accepting the momentum and firing it back, striking Avan,"

Hope I could help, remember to use all this tips and think in depth before posting up a topic, Very Happy
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Re: Avan

Post  Aurzel on Fri Aug 06, 2010 12:05 pm

((good adive meredith, to improve on your fast paced method of writing though, you should use more stops and less commas, commas tend to slow down the pace of things while stops make it abrupt and quick))

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Re: Avan

Post  MeredithPunk on Fri Aug 06, 2010 4:11 pm

Well I guess its how you look at it, I find it makes things go faster and appear to be all in one action, rather than the full stops are good for if you are doing a totally different action to the last, but I'm sure everyone has their own way of using commas... Razz
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Re: Avan

Post  Aurzel on Sat Aug 07, 2010 8:40 am

((heh, i'm just telling you what i learnt in english classes, take it which ever way you want Razz))

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Re: Avan

Post  MeredithPunk on Sat Aug 07, 2010 7:50 pm

Lol, anywho Vegeto has a great nack for popular posts Razz
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Re: Avan

Post  Korn✔ on Tue Aug 10, 2010 3:17 am

MeredithPunk wrote:Lol, anywho Vegeto has a great nack for popular posts Razz
((Lol, Vegeto please read MeredithPunk's post carefully and try to improve it because right now I can't see how your later posts will be approved if you're going to keep on writing with "Avan says ... Then Avan did ... "))
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