Here's my story.

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Here's my story.

Post  Javalman on Sun Jan 24, 2010 3:55 pm

I was walking in the park with my wife when suddenly a sayain lunges at me. I easily dodge and catch his punch like it was nothing then swiftly beats him up.
10 Str
10 End
10 Spr
10 Agi

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Re: Here's my story.

Post  Xicor on Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:51 pm

(( I think you should put more effort in it. Its soooo short and ur godmodding. Check out mine or any other and ull see the right way ))


((Korn: I edited your message but remmember putting (()) around any out of character text [Out Of Character is when you say anything that is not related to the roleplay]))
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Re: Here's my story.

Post  Javalman on Sun Jan 24, 2010 7:32 pm

((I know but i wanted to make short. If it works what is the big deal?))

((Korn: I edited your message but remmember putting (()) around any out of character text [Out Of Character is when you say anything that is not related to the roleplay]))

Javalman

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Re: Here's my story.

Post  Korn✔ on Mon Jan 25, 2010 3:37 am

(( You need to make it longer and add more details. Who is your wife? How should we know anything about her or you? It's like you tell a story. It's not enough to have it in your head, you need to tell it properly to others. ))
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Re: Here's my story.

Post  Javalman on Mon Jan 25, 2010 5:06 am

Okay Here's the extended version.
I Javal was walking with my wife Deno in the woods.It was our honeymoon so i wanted to take her to the place where we first dated.Deno was worried affraid that my sayian nemesis Yid might try to take my wife. You see back in school Deno had two boyfriends.(Guess Who?) Well she chose me so Yid got mad. As we were out of the woods Yid lunges at me!I barely dodge and tell Deno to get out of the way. Luckily I've been training harder but he punches me in my chest and has a knife affraid but i blasted him and beat him up good.
10 Str
10 End
10 Agi
10 Spr

Javalman

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Re: Here's my story.

Post  Korn✔ on Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:19 am

((That's still not enough. Look at all the other roleplays here. They didn't just say: "I blasted him and beat him up", they all described the whole battle. Try making it even longer. + Don't use smilies in your roleplays Razz
Don't worry, you'll get better with each roleplay Smile))
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Basic idea of a rp

Post  Valken on Mon Jan 25, 2010 10:08 am

(( My basic idea of role playing is to make it as much like a short story from a book with as much detail for anyone who reads it so that they can have a mental image of what happens, I'm not saying I'm even good at it but for a general idea of how to do so then check out any of Korn's, Anguish's [which was amazingly long and very good I think just a little on the high and mighty side as most do] or even mine even though I'm not too good at it, just for references on a how-to for an idea of how long and what kind of description to throw into the story, just keep in mind that the longer the better cause after 400 words you get bonus points for stats and who doesn't like a bonus for effort? lol! ))
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Re: Here's my story.

Post  Javalman on Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:24 pm

I Javal was walking with my wife Deno in the woods.It was our honeymoon so i wanted to take her to the place where we first dated.Deno was worried that my sayian nemesis Yid might try to take my wife. You see back in school Deno had two boyfriends.(Guess Who?) Well she chose me so Yid got mad. As we were out of the woods Yid lunges at me!I barely dodge and tell Deno to get out of the way. Luckily I've been training harder but he punches me in my chest and brings out his knife .Knowing he had been training hard i knew that i was outmatched.However i used my after-image trick.And he got confused so i swiftly stole his knife even with a speed disadvantage .Then i slashed his head off like it was a pumpkin.Realizing that with Yid gone i could finally rest in peace.
Finally we arrived.I could have a day with my wife and only my wife.
10 Str
10 End
10 Agi
10 Str
40 PL

Javalman

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Re: Here's my story.

Post  Valken on Mon Jan 25, 2010 4:17 pm

(( A little more plot would probably help and more depth for the fight without you just suddenly using after image which is a power you would more than likely yet to have considering you're supposed to only have basic combat skills to start with for your intro, you have definitely improved on your story from your first post but I think it still needs more work you only have 162 word count so far try to reach for the 400 mark and there you go you have a short story even if you don't make 400 words it's a good goal to try for because it forces you to use more description and that's what matters because it's not really how you see it in your head but to make it so others can see it in the same way in their mind as well Neutral ))
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Re: Here's my story.

Post  tristep on Mon Jan 25, 2010 6:06 pm

((I agree with KORN but you should probobly tell his whole life story give him a nemesis like mine is valken (jk) what happened when he was a kid how did he become strong get maybe someone whos your friend but suddenly dies by your nemesis like that give details when you fight dont just say you beat him ok (ps im not being mean overall its not that bad) ))
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Jokes make for good idea's

Post  Valken on Mon Jan 25, 2010 6:20 pm

(( Might be a joke but if it can make for a more interesting rp then I'm all for it, on another note you should have seen how Korn edited the other posts on here with (())that was to signify the necessity of using that every time you speak out of character in a forum other than general, not trying to get on anyone's case just trying to make a point so that anyone else who reads these forums will catch on faster))
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Re: Here's my story.

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